On our vacation, Robert and Madison did most of the activity planning. We did two or three things a day. It was great. I enjoyed not having to do much except go along. I'll post our photo album when we get home. Despite not feeling physically well lately, I have been stable. I haven't had much stomach or sleeping trouble. That's about as good as it gets for me. I was feeling fine - emotionally and physically.
We finished at Lookout Mountain, and stopped for our next activity - Ruby Falls. I was really expecting that we were going to walk up to the falls and walk back down at our leisure. I had no idea that it was an underground venture. When we got into the gift shop area, I realized that the tour started by going underground by elevator into a cave that we would explore WITHOUT bathrooms for about a 1 hour tour. My heart started to beat out of my chest. The irrational thoughts started immediately, and I got the feeling that I wanted to run away from whatever was chasing/threatening me.
One thing that I tell my anxiety DO clients is that once you have anxiety, you will probably always have it - hopefully to a much milder degree. I was reminded immediately of my former anxiety/panic DO. My mind reverted to that coping skill in an instant. I knew that I would benefit from medication (Xanax), so I went for it first. I do not take any other anxiety medication now, because my DO is not currently active. You have to admit that this was an unusual situation. I was not sick or panicky earlier, so I took the professional advise that I dish out each day - face your fear. I went on the tour. It is hard to explain what happened, but I am emotional just remembering it now. I'm going to blog this in an attempt to (1) help myself process the event, and (2) help others who might need some encouragement.
The elevator was packed. I didn't mind that, but I knew that the next hour was going to be uncomfortable instead of enjoyable. It was difficult for me to think straight. Physically, my hands started sweating and I got hot. Once underground, I was glad that it was cool. I took off my jacket, and wished I could have shed my sneakers. I was a bit dizzy and disoriented. I kept looking at the others and envying their "normalcy". I knew that they had no idea what was going on with me, but I couldn't look anyone in the eye. We had to take a pic at first. I wish I had that photo now to see if it showed on my face what I was going through. I felt as if I was the only person there; like I was super-sensitive aware of what was going on with me - my breathing, my emotions, my decision-making processes. I was trying to figure out how to get back to the top - face the embarrassment of asking to go back before I panicked.
I was looking down at my feet most of the time, and watching my leg shake nervously. I did everything I knew to do - distract myself, breath normal but deep. I couldn't get enough air. I knew better than to focus on my stomach. I prayed for strength and time - always time. At the first point-of-no-return, I told Robert that I was going back. I started walking the trail to the elevator, and I felt myself relaxing. Either my pill kicked in, or God intervened. I returned to the group and told Robert that I thought my medication started to work. He held my hand, and apologized for not being more careful. After that, I tried to focus on the tour guide, and I prayed that my stomach would hold up. It did. Once I was at the falls, I felt like I would make it.
Hind sight . . .
Later, my daughter asked me what was wrong with me. I told her that I have an anxiety DO that bothers me at times. She knows that I have suffered in the past with panic, but she was asking for me to explain it. She asked what I was scared of, and I told her that it's as if I am scared of panic; of not being able to escape (technical term is
agoraphobia). She asked if I had claustrophobia. I said that it wasn't that, because I wasn't worried about the cave situation or the tight spots as much as I was about not being able to break apart from the group and have privacy in the event that I panicked. It's a terrible feeling. IRRATIONAL. I'm totally aware of how irrational it is when I am feeling panicky. It makes it more frustrating.
What made this experience different than times before? Realizations! The situation was unexpected, I've been practicing avoidance coping more than I knew. I haven't been isolated like that in years. I need to put myself out there more. I wanted to cry at any moment. I didn't remember that response in the past. I was happy that I used techniques effectively, but I wasn't convinced that they would work. They do work! I faced the fear, and it worked out this time.
Here's me at Ruby Falls - 20 minutes underground from where they dropped us off at the elevator. Am I glad I saw it? Glad has a different meaning for me. If I never see it again, I will be OK.
